charismagic

These lists always tend to differ from the Best Of lists we’ll make again twelve months from now. Movies like Shame, The Grey and Killer Joe came out of nowhere to top last year’s list, whereas more often than not, movies we anticipate the most end up disappointing us the most – Looper, Prometheus, The Dark Knight Rises… I’m looking at you – and this is the heaviest cross we film lovers have to carry. Despite this, we still can’t help ourselves when it comes to getting excited about what we think looks awesome or exciting. So here’s the five movies I’m most looking forward to seeing in 2013…

5 – Elysium.

Stars: Matt Damon, Jodie Foster, Sharlto Copley.

Director: Neill Blomkamp.

Release Date: 20^th September

Blomkamp’s follow up to District 9 looks set to be another epic sci-fi with political overtones. It’s 2159, and the world is divided between the very rich – living on a man-made space station, headed by Foster – and the very poor – living on a ruined Earth. Damon takes on a mission that could bring equality to the world, which causes Foster to hire assassin Copley to take him out. Should I be this excited for a movie with no trailer, and the director has only made one feature before? Yes, I think so.

4 – White House Down

Stars: Channing Tatum, Jamie Foxx, Maggie Gylenhaal, Richard Jenkins, James Woods.

Director: Roland Emmerich.

Release Date: 6^th September

The White House is taken over by terrorists and the President (Foxx) needs to be saved by a secret service agent (Tatum) before it’s too late. This is Die Hard meets Air Force One, and could well be the most brain-dead, exciting and entertaining movie of the year, with Fast & Furious 6 coming in a close second. From the director of Independence Day, The Day After Tomorrow and 2012, we are guaranteed to be in for some epic explosions, plus it’s releasing against Olympus Has Fallen, which is pretty much the exact same movie, but staring Gerard Butler and Morgan Freeman. We haven’t had a Volcano/Dante’s Peak, Antz/A Bug’s Life, Deep Impact/Armageddon death-match in a while.

3 – Twelve Years A Slave

Stars: Quvenzhané Wallis, Chiwetel Ejiofor, Brad Pitt, Michael Fassbender, Benedict Cumberbatch.

Director: Steve McQueen.

Release Date: 21^st November

The third feature from McQueen, and his third collaboration with Fassbender – after Hunger and Shame – finds the duo no closer to lightening up when it comes to their subject matter. A man (Ejiofor) plays a man living in 1800’s New York who is kidnapped and sold into slavery in the Deep South. This being a McQueen movie, it’s likely not to lean too heavily on the plot, and more on the outstanding acting to be found in his most impressive cast to date. Shame was my favourite movie of 2012, so my expectations for Twelve Years A Slave may be unrealistically high. But if anyone can reach them, it’s McQueen and Fassbender.

2 – Pacific Rim

Stars: Idris Elba, Charlie Hunnam, Ron Pearlman, Charlie Day.

Director: Guillermo Del Toro.

Release Date: 12^th July

If you haven’t watched the trailer for this yet, go to YouTube immediately and remedy that. Done? Great. Do you see why this movie is on this list? Giant monsters get released from a parallel universe at the bottom of the Pacific ocean, and attack every major city they come across. In retaliation, mankind have devised skyscraper sized robots to defend the cities. So this is Giant Monsters VS Giant Robots, with a huge budget, a visionary directory (Hellboy, Pan’s Labyrinth, Blade II) and Elba uttering the already immortal line “Today, we are cancelling the apocalypse.” Amazing.

1 – Gravity

Stars: Sandra Bullock, George Clooney.

Director: Alfonso Cuaron

Release Date: 4^th November

If you’re wondering how it is that you haven’t heard of my anticipated movie of 2013, thinking I might have picked some unknown arthouse movie, fear not. Gravity has two of Hollywood’s biggest stars playing astronauts who, after an accident in a space station, are left to drift through space, using only their wits and pieces of debris to help them return to earth. Director Cuaron was behind the best Harry Potter film in the series (Prisoner Of Azkaban) and also one of my favourite movies of all time (Children Of Men), and he has promised some startling imagery, including an opening shot that lasts over twenty minutes without a single edit, plus Bullock and Clooney are the only two people you’ll ever see on screen. So this is pretty much Cast Away In Space. I don’t know about you, but that sounds awesome to me.

Here’s my guesses for the Oscar Nominations, due out this Thursday afternoon. Some shorthand will be used! SW = Should Win. WW = Will Win.

Okay, here we go.

Best Actor:

Daniel Day Lewis - Lincoln (WW)

John Hawkes - The Sessions

Hugh Jackman - Les Miserables

Joaquin Phoenix - The Master

Bradley Cooper - Silver Linings Playbook

(SW, none of the above, I’d give it to Denis Lavant in Holy Motors)

Best Actress:

Jessica Chastain - Zero Dark Thirty

Naomi Watts - The Impossible (SW)

Maggie Smith - Quartet

Jennifer Lawrence - Silver Linings Playbook

Emmanuelle Riva - Amour (WW)

(I should note that I haven’t actually seen Zero Dark Thirty yet, so I can’t judge Chastain’s performance just yet.)

Best Supporting Actor:

Alan Arkin - Argo (WW)

Leonardo DiCaprio - Django Unchained

Christopher Waltz - Django Unchained (SW)

Tommy Lee Jones - Lincoln

Philip Seymour Hoffman - The Master

(It’ll either be Arkin or Jones, since they’re both so old. And while Waltz was amazing in Django, I’d actually put Samuel L Jackson above him for giving one of the best performances in his whole career. But he won’t get nominated against the likes of Waltz and DiCaprio.)

Best Supporting Actress:

Amy Adams - The Master (SW)

Anne Hathaway - Les Miserables (WW)

Helen Hunt - The Sessions

Sally Field - Lincoln

Judi Dench - Skyfall

(Dench is my outside shot, but is still definitely a maybe. Adams should win for going full on Lady Macbeth, but Hathaway will win it for cutting all of her hair off.)

Best Animated Feature:

Wreck It Ralph (SW, WW)

Brave

Rise Of The Guardians

Frankenweenie

Hotel Transylvania

(Not a great year for Animated movies - the presence of an Adam Sandler vehicle should be testament to that - and unless there’s some foreign animated movie I’m unaware of, Wreck It Ralph was the best of a bad bunch.)

Best Director:

Ben Affleck - Argo (SW, WW)

Ang Lee - Life Of Pi

Steven Spielberg - Lincoln

Paul Thomas Anderson - The Master

Tom Hooper - Les Miserable

(Again, haven’t seen Lincoln, so can’t judge entirely, but Spielberg is going to be around for a while yet, and I doubt the Academy will do a Scorsese on him and award him for something quite so … obvious.)

Best Picture:

- Argo (SW, WW)

- Lincoln

- Zero Dark Thirty

- Les Miserables

- Silver Linings Playbook

- Life Of Pi

- Amour

- Skyfall

- The Master

- The Avengers

(A very tough year to call, but Hollywood loves a movie that makes them look good, and Argo was that all over.)

(For anyone thinking Skyfall and The Avengers are too populist for this list, don’t forget that Avatar, Inception, Toy Story 3 and Up were all nominated for Best Picture in the last two years alone.)

Quick Picks:

Best Foreign Language Feature: if Amour doesn’t win it, I’ll eat my hat. Even though I much preferred The Intouchables.

Best Original Song: Skyfall by Adele. Although they might let Taylor Swift’s song for The Hunger Games win to show that they’re still “down with the kids.”

Best Original Screenplay: Django Unchained by Quentin Tarantino. It won’t win anything else on the night, and to not reward a movie about slavery in some way is almost as bad as slavery itself.

Best Adapted Screenplay: Argo. Although Life Of Pi, Lincoln and Silver Linings Playbook are all in with a solid chance.

Best Original Score: Hopefully Skyfall, but probably Cloud Atlas. Both are deserving.

The rest of them don’t really matter all that much to anyone but full-on film nerds, which is why I’ll be watching with baited breath come this February.

This list is always a pain in the ass for me, cos unlike movies, I find it harder to qualify a specific year release for some songs. Also, because there are SO MANY, I tend to forget about a lot of them. Plus, it’s embarrassing, as my inner club-brat gets a lot of input on this particular list. Regardless, here it is, my favorite songs of the past twelve months.

(20) Elle Varner Oh What A Night

http://youtu.be/ltzOOp080Bo

(19) Rihanna Stay featuring Mikky Ekko

http://youtu.be/UEwVXLcZX9I

(18) Aaliyah Enough Said featuring Drake

http://youtu.be/4HNgVmHSuVM

(17) Calvin Harris Thinking About You featuring Ayar

http://youtu.be/PATkvpm6eI0

(16) Gossip Move In The Right Direction

http://youtu.be/_xsZ2Ajxq90

(15) Marina & The Diamonds Power and Control

http://youtu.be/o3Rp_0hoNTY

(14) Nicki Minaj Beez In The Trap featuring 2 Chainz

http://youtu.be/EmZvOhHF85I

(13) Swedish House Mafia Greyhound

http://youtu.be/hBRKSIj2tMc

(12) Cassie King Of Hearts

http://youtu.be/LI0Q0my8a64

(11) A.M.E Find A Boy feat Mic Righteous

http://youtu.be/qdxNdWtriqg

(10) David Guetta She Wolf (Falling To Pieces) featuring Sia

http://youtu.be/PVzljDmoPVs

(9) Ke$ha Love Into The Light

http://youtu.be/f8yNDz9SuG8

(8) Ellie Goulding Figure 8

http://youtu.be/rNpBahr49mA

(7) Azealia Banks Nathan featuring Styles P

http://youtu.be/d3xEVv71YuM

(6) Of Monsters And Men Yellow Light

http://youtu.be/HeA9ryOQ6YE

(5) Lana Del Ray Ride

http://youtu.be/nvb8wdBglpw

(4) Far East Movement Basshead featuring YG

http://youtu.be/ph0rRymlnjw

(3) Kanye West Clique featuring Jay-Z & Big Sean

http://youtu.be/bWavQXgmSBk

(2) Iggy Azalea Murda Bizness featuring T.I

http://youtu.be/RzI9VQUHJkU

(1) Miike Snow Black Tin Box featuring Lykke Li

http://youtu.be/Cb4AI6COsp8

I’m sure there’s a lot on here that you’ll disagree with, and even more that you’ll be mad at me for leaving off the list. But all in all, these are the 20 movies that I enjoyed the most, or left the biggest impression with me.

(20) The Hunt

(19) What Richard Did

(18) Jack Reacher

(17) The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

(16) Magic Mike

(15) Chronicle

(14) The Hunger Games

(13) 21 Jump Street

(12) Cabin In The Woods

(11) Life Of Pi

(10) The Dark Knight Rises

(9) Argo

(8) Young Adult

(7) Margin Call

(6) The Imposter

(5) Killer Joe

(4) Marvel’s Avengers Assemble

(3) The Grey

(2) Skyfall

(1) Shame

Now… bring on the hate.

‎”He’s so pathetic. Let me tell you something about Mitt Romney. We were best friends in middle school. I know, right? It’s so embarrassing. I don’t even… Whatever. So then in 2008, I was elected President, and Mitt was like, weirdly jealous of me. Like, if I would blow him off to pass Obamacare, he’d be like, “Why didn’t you call me back?” And I’d be like, “Why are you so obsessed with me?” So then, for my birthday party, which was an all-Democrats pool party, I was like, “Mitt, I can’t invite you, because I think you’re Republican.” I mean I couldn’t have a Republican at my party. There were gonna be politicians there supporting tax breaks for lower income families. I mean, right? He was a REPUBLICAN. So then his mom called my mom and started yelling at her, it was so ridiculous. And then he dropped out of Congress because no one would talk to him, and he came back in the fall for the debate, all of his hair was cut off and he was totally weird, and now I guess he’s collecting binders full of women.”

INT. PLANE. DAY.

COUNCILMAN CARCETTI: So, Doctor Nuclear, we’ve finally caught you!

BANE: And me.

COUNCILMAN CARCETTI: I’m sorry, what? I can’t understand a word you’re-

BANE: And another bigger plane is going to make this one hang upside down and then we’ll steal Doctor Nuclear and this plane will crash and nobody will ask any questions.

COUNCILMAN CARCETTI: That seems … unnecessarily convoluted.

BANE: Oh, then it’s a good thing you’re not going to be around for the rest of the movie.

INT. WAYNE MANOR. NIGHT.

COMMISSIONER GORDON: It’s been eight years, but you’d never guess it by the way we still haven’t dealt with Harvey Dent’s death.

BRUCE WAYNE: Or Rachel’s death. I’m still super sad. Woe.

SELINA KYLE: I’m here to steal your fingerprints. And your women’s jewellery. *backflips out a window*

BRUCE WAYNE: Rachel Who??

INT. SEWERS. NIGHT

THUG: Hey boss, we caught Commissioner Gordon!

BANE: You brought me the most powerful police official in all of Gotham? This upsets me! *crushes the Thug’s throat*

COMMISSIONER GORDON: Laters! *jumps into the sewer water, gets shot in the leg*

INT. WAYNE MANOR. DAY.

JOHN ROBIN BLAKE: Hey Bruce Wayne, I totally know you’re Batman.

BRUCE WAYNE: What? How?

JOHN ROBIN BLAKE: Cos I met you once years ago and you looked sad and I thought “Batman would probably be sad, too”. Plus, you didn’t deny just now.

BRUCE WAYNE: Damn!

INT. STOCK EXCHANGE. DAY.

BANE: We’re here to shoot everything made of glass!

NERDY THUG: This is going to take another eight minutes!

BANE: Then it’s time to make our escape. We had to sneak in our guns in mop buckets and shoe-shine bags, but these motorcycles just appeared from nowhere!

EXT. ROAD. DAY.

BANE & CO.: *drive away on motorcycles*

BATMAN: *chases them on his motorcycle*

BANE & CO. & BATMAN: *drive through a tunnel*

EXT. ROAD. NIGHT.

AUDIENCE: Wait, why is it night now?

BANE & CO.: *mostly get away because*

THE POLICE: *are chasing*

BATMAN: *who also gets away, in*

THE BAT: *which looks cool as fuck, but seems to have been just left down a back alley for anyone to find. Also, the AUTO-PILOT DOES NOT WORK*

INT. WAYNE MANOR. DAY.

ALFRED: Did nobody notice that Bruce Wayne and Batman came out of eight years of hiding on the same day? This city is so stupid! I resign!

LUCIUS FOX: Despite a very public hijacking of the Stock Exchange yesterday, which should render all transactions null and void, you’re now super-broke. So I think we should leave all of our assets, including the WAYNE NUCLEAR BOMB, in the capable hands of…

MIRANDA TATE: I accept. Gimme! Also, Bruce? We should totally bone.

BRUCE WAYNE: Agreed. I seemed to have gotten over that burglar chick who helped me get over that dead chick.

INT. SEWERS. NIGHT.

CATWOMAN: This way to Bane!

BATMAN: *gets locked in a big cage with Bane* You’ve just made a big mistake, Catwoman!

BANE: Mumblemumblerurflfhbjbnjvbrquibgf…. Mr. Wayne.

BATMAN: How do you know I’m Bruce Wayne?

BANE: Never you mind, audience!

BATMAN & BANE: *fight, Batman loses the fight, and the ability to stand*

INT. PRISON. DAY.

BANE: Welcome to the worst place on Earth!

BATMAN: So… Where am I exactly? I know this was shot in India, but in reality we can’t be too far from Gotham or it would take too long to get back and-

BANE: Don’t worry about that. Just watch this TV with the live footage of me wrecking the place. Laters!

EXT. GOTHAM. DAY.

BANE: *blows up a lot of Gotham, releases all of the bad guys from a prison, has executions organised by The Scarecrow, all of which is supposed to inspire “hope” in the people of Gotham*

DOCTOR NUCLEAR: Don’t forget about the WAYNE NUCLEAR BOMB!

BANE: Oh yes, that’s going to go off soon, too. And the only person who can disarm it is Doctor Broken Neck Nuclear here.

DOCTOR NUCLEAR: But my name isn’t Doctor Brok- *gets neck broken*

INT. PRISON. DAY.

SOME GUY: Your vertebrae are sticking out of your back. But one good punch and a day hanging off a rope should fix that.

BRUCE WAYNE: *hallucinates Ra’s Al Guhl for a revelation that turns out to be not true in the end*

SOME GUY: A little kid years ago escaped from here.

BRUCE WAYNE: I used to be a little kid! I will escape, too! *escapes, too*

EXT. GOTHAM. DAY.

SELINA KYLE: Superfluous scenes showing how I have the ability to be nice? Yes, I can do that. *gives a little kid an apple*

BRUCE WAYNE: I’m back. In Gotham. Despite it being in lock-down. And me having no money to travel from wherever that prison was to here.

SELINA KYLE: Did you know that WAYNE NUCLEAR BOMB is going to explode tomorrow? Do we have time for this small talk?

BRUCE WAYNE: Not really, no. I’m going to rescue some people over here, John Robin Blake is going to rescue some people over there, and you’re going to blow up some cars. Got it?

EXT. GOTHAM’S EQUIVALENT OF WALL STREET. DAY.

ALL OF THE EXTRAS IN THE WORLD: *fight*

BATMAN & BANE: *fight, Bane loses the fight, and the ability to stand*

MIRANDA TATE: Oh, I’m Ra’s Al Guhl’s daughter now. *stabs Batman*

BATMAN: So everything in this… the plane hijacking, the kidnapping and fake-deathery of Doctor Nuclear, the fingerprint robbing, the stock exchange thing, making my company bankrupt, us boning, the semi-destruction of Gotham with explosives you already had… was all for a bomb?

MIRANDA TATE TALIA AL GUHL: Yes.

BATMAN: And that hallucination of Ra’s I had was a complete fabrication, because it turns out Bane isn’t his son at all?

TALIA AL GUHL: Yes.

BATMAN: And even though you tried so hard, it turns out that just like in Batman & Robin, Bane is just a thug working for a crazy lady?

TALIA AL GUHL: Ouch! But yes. Now, I’m away to blow up Gotham, with me still in it! Muahahahahahaha!

CATWOMAN: *arrives from out of nowhere, shooting Bane with a cannon*

EXT. SOME ROAD. DAY.

BATMAN & CATWOMAN: *blow up even more of Gotham to stop people from blowing up Gotham*

TALIA AL GUHL: *dies in a car-crash*

BATMAN: Time to take WAYNE NUCLEAR BOMB out over the sea in The Bat, with the NON-WORKING AUTO-PILOT!

COMMISSIONER GORDON: Just like in Iron Giant. And Captain America. And-

BATMAN: Okay, away I go! *takes the bomb out over the sea and it explodes and everyone assumes that he’s dead because the AUTO-PILOT DOESN’T WORK*

INT. WAYNE HQ. DAY.

LUCIUS FOX: Hmmm. It appears that the auto-pilot DOES work. Although I don’t know how I know that since The Bat was destroyed in a nuclear explosion.

EXT. ITALY. DAY.

ALFRED: *sips from the smallest glass of red wine known to man-kind, sees Bruce Wayne and Selina Kyle, nods, doesn’t bother to question how Wayne knew which Italian wine-sippery Alfred would be at*

INT. BATCAVE. DAY.

JOHN ROBIN BLAKE: *spelunks in, finds all of Batman’s toys, but without all of Wayne’s monetary and intellectual resources, they’ll all become pretty useless very quickl-*

THE END.

So… you’ve just been dumped.

How do you feel? Do you feel like a ghost donkey just kicked you right in the stomach? Do your tear ducts physically hurt from overuse? Are you hearing break-up songs everywhere, but not those good empowering break-up songs where it’s all “Fuck them! You’re better than them! Gurl power!” but the one’s that go “Be sad. You should be sad right now. There’s a very good chance you’re going to die alone… tra la la la…”? Yeah?

You might not realise it right now, but there is a silver lining to this particularly shitty cloud. Break-ups, while devastating in an emotional ebola virus kind of way, really do have a positive side.

Usually the first thing that happens is re-invention. For girls, it’s a new hair-do, a funky tattoo in a less-than-obvious place. For guys, it’s back to the gym and … a nice new jacket? Not to sound sexist, but it does seem that women have monopolized the market on heartbreak, but let me tell you something; us guys can get all brokenhearted too. Have you not seen Forgetting Sarah Marshall?? We totally get the sads when we get dumped.

The next thing is your friends partaking in the whole “Get you back out there!” bit. Now, no matter if your friends wait five minutes or five months, you’re not ready. You’re never ready for this next stage, which is kind of the point. Cement over the cracks of your broken heart with the remnants of whoever is willing to sleep with you given the right amount of alcohol. The next day? You will feel awful. AWFUL. So full of aw. But it’s a necessary step.

By now your diet should have moved on from solely consisting of litre tubs of Ben & Jerry’s, your friends should be able to ask you how you are without you breaking into teary hysterics (“How could you ASK me that?? HOW???!!!!”), and you should be able to look back on that relationship as a learning experience. This is the best part of the break-up; learning about yourself. Because on top of the fact that you learn you’re not the closed-off cynical emotionally neutered creature you believed yourself to be, that you are, in fact, capable of being heart-broken, on top of that, and you might not realize it right now cos you hate the world and everyone in it, you’ll realize that there was someone out there who was willing to spend prolonged amounts of time in your company. And not only that, that they actually enjoyed it.

And the next person? They will too. And probably for longer. And probably forever and ever until happily ever after. And that? That is a nice thought.

Is there any other day on the calendar greeted with more disdain than Valentine’s Day? This alleged day of love spurns more hatred, what with it being pretty much the only holiday that isn’t religiously exclusive, all you need to do is be in a relationship. Its basically that feeling at midnight on New Years when you have nobody to kiss, but spread out across an entire day.

Love has songs and films and poems and plays and books and tv shows and pretty much every other medium of media you can think of. Every other major holiday is already extremely couple-friendly, so why do couples and love itself need an entire day to celebrate? Isn’t rubbing our single noses in their day-to-day happiness torture enough?

Well, actually… no. As much as I’d love to join the ranks of the cynically single, I have to say that I love the idea of Valentine’s Day. The argument that people in couples should act every day like they do on Valentine’s Day is complete bullshit. While those couples are initially lucky to have found each other and to be in love, Valentine’s Day is to relationships what Christmas is to Christians; over the year, you may forget why you were in it in the first place, but all it takes is one day of reminding you of the fundamentals of what attracted you to it to make you fall for it all over again. This one day is usually followed by a few days or even weeks of “must try harder” resolutions that, in real life, fall by the way side. But the thought was there, and its only a couple of hundred days before you get to start anew all over again.

So, to all my friends and family who are lucky enough to have found love, use this day to embrace it… but spare a thought for those who are yet to find it. Even us lowly lonlies deserve love, too.

I am a prolific hugger. I am a world-class, Olympic hugger. I love hugs. I love giving hugs and I love receiving hugs. But I perhaps overthink hugging. For instance, I don’t hug just anybody. Close family and close friends, thats it. Even when I’m drunk, I’ve got a hug filter up. If I’m arguing with someone, then I implement a hug embargo. And as everyone knows, if you come in for a hug, and the other person doesn’t respond with open arms, then its pretty much the worst thing in the world.

There are some things that I hate about hugs; I hate those “tap-tap” on the back hugs. I hate hate HATE those hugs. Did I just come first in a spelling bee contest and you’re my over-enthusiastic uncle trying to congratulate me? Did you think I needed burping? The whole point of hugs is to feel properly embraced and enveloped by another person, not you trying to tell me something in morse code. I also hate super short hugs. While I’m not advocating hour long hugging sessions, there should be no need to rush a hug.

I love all the different kids of hugs; the hug you give someone when you’re really happy about something and you both almost can’t help but jump around a little bit, the hug when someone is sad and without looking you know you’ve helped put a smile on their face, the hug when you just stand there and let someone wash over you like a tsunami of affection.

But I think my favourite thing about hugs is its complete lack of sexual implication. Even when kissing someone, there is not as much body contact as there is in a proper hug. A total invasion of personal space that is entirely acceptable, because all you want at that moment is to feel a little better, and when words won’t suffice, sometimes a big ol’ snuggle is exactly what you need.

SPOILER ALERT: This film kind of sucks.

EXT. Earth. A long time ago.

ALBINO DR. MANHATTAN: *drinks some poison, collapses into piles of DNA, is the cause of all life on Earth*

AUDIENCE: Wow, we’re really hitting the ground running here…

INT. Cave. 2091.

NOOMI RAPACE: I have discovered these cave painting from tall guys pointing to some stars far away.

LOGAN MARSHALL-GREEN: As archeaologists, I think it’s only right we should go there.

INT. Prometheus. 2093.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER: *is dying his hair blonde like Lawrence Of Arabia because*

CHARLIZE THERON: I’m doing push-ups after being asleep for two years. I am one tough-ass chickaroo!

BIOLOGIST: Hey, wanna be friends?

GEOLOGIST: I don’t like friends. I like money. And rocks.

OLD GUY PEARCE: Hello, I am a hologram and I am dead. I got this idea from Tupac. Although all of this will make no sense later on in the movie. Goodbye.

EXT. LV-226. Day.

NOOMI RAPACE: Look! A giant pyramid with a head carved into it! We have discovered life on another planet!

NOBODY: *reacts to this properly*

INT. Pyramid. Day.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER: *turns on the Alien’s CCTV Hologram*

ALIEN HOLOGRAM: *runs away from something that the CCTV isn’t recording for some reason, then it falls over and gets it’s head cut off by a door*

NOOMI RAPACE: Let’s do some tests on the head!

INT. Prometheus. Night.

SCOTTISH LADY DOCTOR: I am going to Frankenstein the shit out of this head!

ALIEN HEAD: *begins to wake up*

SCOTTISH LADY DOCTOR: It’s aliiiiive!

ALIEN HEAD: *begins to expand and be smelly*

NOOMI RAPACE: Maybe it’s too alive. Uhm… turn it off.

ALIEN HEAD: *explodes*

SCOTTISH LADY DOCTOR: So… did we just bring a 2,000 year old decapitated head back to life so it could experience the pain of exploding and dying all over again?

NOOMI RAPACE: Yes. But according the my iPad17 here, it says we have the exact same DNA as this Alien. Which doesn’t make any sense because we don’t look anything alike. Anyways…

INT. Pyramid. Night.

WORMS: *got into some oil, making them vagina snake aliens*

BIOLOGIST: Ooooohhh…. look at the sexy vagina snake alien!

GEOLOGIST: I LIKE ROCKS!

VAGINA SNAKE ALIEN: *mouth rapes the Biologist and melts the Geologist’s face off because worms plus oil equals acid for blood*

INT. Prometheus. Day.

LOGAN MARSHALL-GREEN: Why do I have alien worms in my eyes? Hmmm. Best not tell anyone.

IDRIS ELBA: Hey guys, Biologist and Geologist are dead. Just FYI.

LOGAN MARSHALL-GREEN: Actually, I don’t feel so great myself. *starts to turn into a zombie*

CHARLIZE THERON: Oh no you don’t! *burns him alive*

INT. Medical Lab. Day.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER: So… I put some of that oil into Logan Marshall-Green’s drink and then he got eye worms and then I guess some of them got into his sperm and they got inside of you when you boned last night and now you’re pregnant with an alien. Cool? Sweet dreams.

NOOMI RAPACE: Say what?

INT. Surgery Machine. Day.

NOOMI RAPACE: I would like an alien abortion, please.

SURGERY MACHINE: I’m sorry, I can only perform procedures on males. Because.

NOOMI RAPACE: Oh. Ok. I would like an alien … removal, please.

SURGERY MACHINE: I assume you are a male now. Hop in.

NOOMI RAPACE: *gets cut open, gets a vagina squid removed, gets STAPLED closed, gets out*

EXT. Prometheus. Day.

ZOMBIE GEOLOGIST: Knock Knock.

IDRIS ELBA: Who’s there?

ZOMBIE GEOLOGIST: The thing that kills off all the cast that don’t have any dialogue. *kills off all of the cast that doesn’t have any dialogue*

INT. Prometheus. Day.

NOOMI RAPACE: *absent-mindedly wanders into Old Guy Pearce’s room. She is naked, covered in blood and has a STAPLED-SHUT gash across her stomach*

NOBODY: *reacts to this properly*

OLD GUY PEARCE: Hello, I actually totally wasn’t dead. I just felt it was best not to tell anyone this except the homicial robot.

NOBODY: *reacts to this properly*

CHARLIZE THERON: You are so selfish for wanting to stay alive forever… FATHER! (to audience) I bet you didn’t see that coming, did you??

AUDIENCE: No, we figured that out within the first five minutes. But thank you for sledge-hammering the point home.

INT. Pyramid. Day.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER: *plays the flute that turns on the computer*

ALBINO DR.MANHATTAN: *wakes up*

OLD GUY PEARCE: What should we ask him first?

NOOMI RAPACE: So… 2,000 years ago when the ship was under attack, you just decided to take a nap?

OLD GUY PEARCE: No, ask something else.

NOOMI RAPACE: So… 35,000 years ago when you gave directions to the cave-men, you gave us directions to the planet that had your bio-weapons?

ALBINO DR.MANHATTAN: *flips out, tears off Michael Fassbender’s head, beats Old Guy Pearce to death with it*

EXT. LV-226. Day.

NOOMI RAPACE: Hey guys, he didn’t like me pointing out the holes in his logic, so he’s going to kill all life on Earth.

IDRIS ELBA: Oh no you don’t! *crashes into the Alien ship*

ALIEN SHIP: *lands on Charlize Theron, then lands in the exact same way as the ship they discover in Alien, but since that was on a different planet, this was all for nothing*

NOOMI RAPACE: Phew, thank God that’s over…

MICHAEL FASSBENDER’S HEAD: Nope.

ALBINO DR. MANHATTAN: *chases after Noomi Rapace, because he was totally keeping tabs on where she was as his ship was exploding and crashing, but then he gets face-raped by a giant facehugger*

MICHAEL FASSBENDER’S HEAD: I can fly their ships, ye know. Wanna go home?

NOOMI RAPACE: No, I want to go to their planet and pound on their front door like a drunk ex girlfriend, demanding they tell me why they don’t love me anymore.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER’S HEAD: Sounds good.

INT. A bit of Prometheus. Day.

ALBINO DR. MANHATTAN: *gives birth to a kinda-Alien, which dislocates its own jaw, because it looks cools in 3D*

AUDIENCE: Hang on a second… This was in 3D?