INT. PLANE. DAY.
COUNCILMAN CARCETTI: So, Doctor Nuclear, we’ve finally caught you!
BANE: And me.
COUNCILMAN CARCETTI: I’m sorry, what? I can’t understand a word you’re-
BANE: And another bigger plane is going to make this one hang upside down and then we’ll steal Doctor Nuclear and this plane will crash and nobody will ask any questions.
COUNCILMAN CARCETTI: That seems … unnecessarily convoluted.
BANE: Oh, then it’s a good thing you’re not going to be around for the rest of the movie.
INT. WAYNE MANOR. NIGHT.
COMMISSIONER GORDON: It’s been eight years, but you’d never guess it by the way we still haven’t dealt with Harvey Dent’s death.
BRUCE WAYNE: Or Rachel’s death. I’m still super sad. Woe.
SELINA KYLE: I’m here to steal your fingerprints. And your women’s jewellery. *backflips out a window*
BRUCE WAYNE: Rachel Who??
INT. SEWERS. NIGHT
THUG: Hey boss, we caught Commissioner Gordon!
BANE: You brought me the most powerful police official in all of Gotham? This upsets me! *crushes the Thug’s throat*
COMMISSIONER GORDON: Laters! *jumps into the sewer water, gets shot in the leg*
INT. WAYNE MANOR. DAY.
ROBIN BLAKE: Hey Bruce Wayne, I totally know you’re Batman.
BRUCE WAYNE: What? How?
ROBIN BLAKE: Cos I met you once years ago and you looked sad and I thought “Batman would probably be sad, too”. Plus, you didn’t deny just now.
BRUCE WAYNE: Damn!
INT. STOCK EXCHANGE. DAY.
BANE: We’re here to shoot everything made of glass!
NERDY THUG: This is going to take another eight minutes!
BANE: Then it’s time to make our escape. We had to sneak in our guns in mop buckets and shoe-shine bags, but these motorcycles just appeared from nowhere!
EXT. ROAD. DAY.
BANE & CO.: *drive away on motorcycles*
BATMAN: *chases them on his motorcycle*
BANE & CO. & BATMAN: *drive through a tunnel*
EXT. ROAD. NIGHT.
AUDIENCE: Wait, why is it night now?
BANE & CO.: *mostly get away because*
THE POLICE: *are chasing*
BATMAN: *who also gets away, in*
THE BAT: *which looks cool as fuck, but seems to have been just left down a back alley for anyone to find. Also, the AUTO-PILOT DOES NOT WORK*
INT. WAYNE MANOR. DAY.
ALFRED: Did nobody notice that Bruce Wayne and Batman came out of eight years of hiding on the same day? This city is so stupid! I resign!
LUCIUS FOX: Despite a very public hijacking of the Stock Exchange yesterday, which should render all transactions null and void, you’re now super-broke. So I think we should leave all of our assets, including the WAYNE NUCLEAR BOMB, in the capable hands of…
MIRANDA TATE: I accept. Gimme! Also, Bruce? We should totally bone.
BRUCE WAYNE: Agreed. I seemed to have gotten over that burglar chick who helped me get over that dead chick.
INT. SEWERS. NIGHT.
CATWOMAN: This way to Bane!
BATMAN: *gets locked in a big cage with Bane* You’ve just made a big mistake, Catwoman!
BANE: Mumblemumblerurflfhbjbnjvbrquibgf…. Mr. Wayne.
BATMAN: How do you know I’m Bruce Wayne?
BANE: Never you mind,
BATMAN & BANE: *fight, Batman loses the fight, and the ability to stand*
INT. PRISON. DAY.
BANE: Welcome to the worst place on Earth!
BATMAN: So… Where am I exactly? I know this was shot in India, but in reality we can’t be too far from Gotham or it would take too long to get back and-
BANE: Don’t worry about that. Just watch this TV with the live footage of me wrecking the place. Laters!
EXT. GOTHAM. DAY.
BANE: *blows up a lot of Gotham, releases all of the bad guys from a prison, has executions organised by The Scarecrow, all of which is supposed to inspire “hope” in the people of Gotham*
DOCTOR NUCLEAR: Don’t forget about the WAYNE NUCLEAR BOMB!
BANE: Oh yes, that’s going to go off soon, too. And the only person who can disarm it is Doctor Broken Neck Nuclear here.
DOCTOR NUCLEAR: But my name isn’t Doctor Brok- *gets neck broken*
INT. PRISON. DAY.
SOME GUY: Your vertebrae are sticking out of your back. But one good punch and a day hanging off a rope should fix that.
BRUCE WAYNE: *hallucinates Ra’s Al Guhl for a revelation that turns out to be not true in the end*
SOME GUY: A little kid years ago escaped from here.
BRUCE WAYNE: I used to be a little kid! I will escape, too! *escapes, too*
EXT. GOTHAM. DAY.
SELINA KYLE: Superfluous scenes showing how I have the ability to be nice? Yes, I can do that. *gives a little kid an apple*
BRUCE WAYNE: I’m back. In Gotham. Despite it being in lock-down. And me having no money to travel from wherever that prison was to here.
SELINA KYLE: Did you know that WAYNE NUCLEAR BOMB is going to explode tomorrow? Do we have time for this small talk?
BRUCE WAYNE: Not really, no. I’m going to rescue some people over here, John
Robin Blake is going to rescue some people over there, and you’re going to blow up some cars. Got it?
EXT. GOTHAM’S EQUIVALENT OF WALL STREET. DAY.
ALL OF THE EXTRAS IN THE WORLD: *fight*
BATMAN & BANE: *fight, Bane loses the fight, and the ability to stand*
MIRANDA TATE: Oh, I’m Ra’s Al Guhl’s daughter now. *stabs Batman*
BATMAN: So everything in this… the plane hijacking, the kidnapping and fake-deathery of Doctor Nuclear, the fingerprint robbing, the stock exchange thing, making my company bankrupt, us boning, the semi-destruction of Gotham with explosives you already had… was all for a bomb?
MIRANDA TATE TALIA AL GUHL: Yes.
BATMAN: And that hallucination of Ra’s I had was a complete fabrication, because it turns out Bane isn’t his son at all?
TALIA AL GUHL: Yes.
BATMAN: And even though you tried so hard, it turns out that just like in Batman & Robin, Bane is just a thug working for a crazy lady?
TALIA AL GUHL: Ouch! But yes. Now, I’m away to blow up Gotham, with me still in it! Muahahahahahaha!
CATWOMAN: *arrives from out of nowhere, shooting Bane with a cannon*
EXT. SOME ROAD. DAY.
BATMAN & CATWOMAN: *blow up even more of Gotham to stop people from blowing up Gotham*
TALIA AL GUHL: *dies in a car-crash*
BATMAN: Time to take WAYNE NUCLEAR BOMB out over the sea in The Bat, with the NON-WORKING AUTO-PILOT!
COMMISSIONER GORDON: Just like in Iron Giant. And Captain America. And-
BATMAN: Okay, away I go! *takes the bomb out over the sea and it explodes and everyone assumes that he’s dead because the AUTO-PILOT DOESN’T WORK*
INT. WAYNE HQ. DAY.
LUCIUS FOX: Hmmm. It appears that the auto-pilot DOES work. Although I don’t know how I know that since The Bat was destroyed in a nuclear explosion.
EXT. ITALY. DAY.
ALFRED: *sips from the smallest glass of red wine known to man-kind, sees Bruce Wayne and Selina Kyle, nods, doesn’t bother to question how Wayne knew which Italian wine-sippery Alfred would be at*
INT. BATCAVE. DAY.
JOHN ROBIN BLAKE: *spelunks in, finds all of Batman’s toys, but without all of Wayne’s monetary and intellectual resources, they’ll all become pretty useless very quickl-*