SPOILER ALERT: This film kind of sucks.
EXT. Earth. A long time ago.
ALBINO DR. MANHATTAN: *drinks some poison, collapses into piles of DNA, is the cause of all life on Earth*
AUDIENCE: Wow, we’re really hitting the ground running here…
INT. Cave. 2091.
NOOMI RAPACE: I have discovered these cave painting from tall guys pointing to some stars far away.
LOGAN MARSHALL-GREEN: As archeaologists, I think it’s only right we should go there.
INT. Prometheus. 2093.
MICHAEL FASSBENDER: *is dying his hair blonde like Lawrence Of Arabia because*
CHARLIZE THERON: I’m doing push-ups after being asleep for two years. I am one tough-ass chickaroo!
BIOLOGIST: Hey, wanna be friends?
GEOLOGIST: I don’t like friends. I like money. And rocks.
OLD GUY PEARCE: Hello, I am a hologram and I am dead. I got this idea from Tupac. Although all of this will make no sense later on in the movie. Goodbye.
EXT. LV-226. Day.
NOOMI RAPACE: Look! A giant pyramid with a head carved into it! We have discovered life on another planet!
NOBODY: *reacts to this properly*
INT. Pyramid. Day.
MICHAEL FASSBENDER: *turns on the Alien’s CCTV Hologram*
ALIEN HOLOGRAM: *runs away from something that the CCTV isn’t recording for some reason, then it falls over and gets it’s head cut off by a door*
NOOMI RAPACE: Let’s do some tests on the head!
INT. Prometheus. Night.
SCOTTISH LADY DOCTOR: I am going to Frankenstein the shit out of this head!
ALIEN HEAD: *begins to wake up*
SCOTTISH LADY DOCTOR: It’s aliiiiive!
ALIEN HEAD: *begins to expand and be smelly*
NOOMI RAPACE: Maybe it’s too alive. Uhm… turn it off.
ALIEN HEAD: *explodes*
SCOTTISH LADY DOCTOR: So… did we just bring a 2,000 year old decapitated head back to life so it could experience the pain of exploding and dying all over again?
NOOMI RAPACE: Yes. But according the my iPad17 here, it says we have the exact same DNA as this Alien. Which doesn’t make any sense because we don’t look anything alike. Anyways…
INT. Pyramid. Night.
WORMS: *got into some oil, making them vagina snake aliens*
BIOLOGIST: Ooooohhh…. look at the sexy vagina snake alien!
GEOLOGIST: I LIKE ROCKS!
VAGINA SNAKE ALIEN: *mouth rapes the Biologist and melts the Geologist’s face off because worms plus oil equals acid for blood*
INT. Prometheus. Day.
LOGAN MARSHALL-GREEN: Why do I have alien worms in my eyes? Hmmm. Best not tell anyone.
IDRIS ELBA: Hey guys, Biologist and Geologist are dead. Just FYI.
LOGAN MARSHALL-GREEN: Actually, I don’t feel so great myself. *starts to turn into a zombie*
CHARLIZE THERON: Oh no you don’t! *burns him alive*
INT. Medical Lab. Day.
MICHAEL FASSBENDER: So… I put some of that oil into Logan Marshall-Green’s drink and then he got eye worms and then I guess some of them got into his sperm and they got inside of you when you boned last night and now you’re pregnant with an alien. Cool? Sweet dreams.
NOOMI RAPACE: Say what?
INT. Surgery Machine. Day.
NOOMI RAPACE: I would like an alien abortion, please.
SURGERY MACHINE: I’m sorry, I can only perform procedures on males. Because.
NOOMI RAPACE: Oh. Ok. I would like an alien … removal, please.
SURGERY MACHINE: I assume you are a male now. Hop in.
NOOMI RAPACE: *gets cut open, gets a vagina squid removed, gets STAPLED closed, gets out*
EXT. Prometheus. Day.
ZOMBIE GEOLOGIST: Knock Knock.
IDRIS ELBA: Who’s there?
ZOMBIE GEOLOGIST: The thing that kills off all the cast that don’t have any dialogue. *kills off all of the cast that doesn’t have any dialogue*
INT. Prometheus. Day.
NOOMI RAPACE: *absent-mindedly wanders into Old Guy Pearce’s room. She is naked, covered in blood and has a STAPLED-SHUT gash across her stomach*
NOBODY: *reacts to this properly*
OLD GUY PEARCE: Hello, I actually totally wasn’t dead. I just felt it was best not to tell anyone this except the homicial robot.
NOBODY: *reacts to this properly*
CHARLIZE THERON: You are so selfish for wanting to stay alive forever… FATHER! (to audience) I bet you didn’t see that coming, did you??
AUDIENCE: No, we figured that out within the first five minutes. But thank you for sledge-hammering the point home.
INT. Pyramid. Day.
MICHAEL FASSBENDER: *plays the flute that turns on the computer*
ALBINO DR.MANHATTAN: *wakes up*
OLD GUY PEARCE: What should we ask him first?
NOOMI RAPACE: So… 2,000 years ago when the ship was under attack, you just decided to take a nap?
OLD GUY PEARCE: No, ask something else.
NOOMI RAPACE: So… 35,000 years ago when you gave directions to the cave-men, you gave us directions to the planet that had your bio-weapons?
ALBINO DR.MANHATTAN: *flips out, tears off Michael Fassbender’s head, beats Old Guy Pearce to death with it*
EXT. LV-226. Day.
NOOMI RAPACE: Hey guys, he didn’t like me pointing out the holes in his logic, so he’s going to kill all life on Earth.
IDRIS ELBA: Oh no you don’t! *crashes into the Alien ship*
ALIEN SHIP: *lands on Charlize Theron, then lands in the exact same way as the ship they discover in Alien, but since that was on a different planet, this was all for nothing*
NOOMI RAPACE: Phew, thank God that’s over…
MICHAEL FASSBENDER’S HEAD: Nope.
ALBINO DR. MANHATTAN: *chases after Noomi Rapace, because he was totally keeping tabs on where she was as his ship was exploding and crashing, but then he gets face-raped by a giant facehugger*
MICHAEL FASSBENDER’S HEAD: I can fly their ships, ye know. Wanna go home?
NOOMI RAPACE: No, I want to go to their planet and pound on their front door like a drunk ex girlfriend, demanding they tell me why they don’t love me anymore.
MICHAEL FASSBENDER’S HEAD: Sounds good.
INT. A bit of Prometheus. Day.
ALBINO DR. MANHATTAN: *gives birth to a kinda-Alien, which dislocates its own jaw, because it looks cools in 3D*
AUDIENCE: Hang on a second… This was in 3D?
